QI Self Improvement

Back in my practice days I saw many individuals who were suffering the effects of grief and loss after having lost a close loved one. This could include a friend, spouse, child, partner, parent or other relative who had passed on suddenly due to illness or accident. Occasionally I was presented with a couple where one of them had recently received a terminal illness diagnosis and only had months to live. All of these situations were particularly traumatic in their own way.

These couples, with the terminally ill partner, needed to work through feelings about their situation and the practical steps necessary to prepare for the inevitable. The terminally ill partner seemed to have an easier time with the process once they had accepted the reality of their death. When my brother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I witnessed the same effects taking place for he and my sister. Broadly speaking, it was always the surviving partner that had the toughest time.

When it comes to grief counseling, no matter what the external circumstances, the goal was always to Listen! As a grief recovery counselor, this meant identifying the feelings behind the words so that this part of the client’s experience could be relfected back to them. I would say things like: “So what you’re feeling is scared, angry, depressed and/or sad.” With each reflection I would ask them to check inside to see if what I’d offered was accurate. More often than not I was right. That began their introduction to listening to their own feelings.

Then I would instruct them to pay attention to that particular feeling and tell me more about it. They would then describe their feelings in detail along with whatever physical reactions might be attached to it. Tears would begin to flow as they related the physical and emotional reactions they were experiencing. This was the essence of my counselling approach for persons in grief, no matter what the precipitating circumstances.

Sometimes grieving individuals would want to know about Stages and other matters they had heard about in relation to grief, and I would just steer them back to their feelings. Once they realized that this was more important, it became easier for them to go there themselves and accept that sharing, feeling and crying were in their best interest. After a few sessions of working with their feelings the process became more acceptable. Many of these individuals would later report that keeping in touch with their feelings had many advantages and helped them with other aspects of their life.

Externals, such as stages, theories, charts and graphs can help illustrate important points about a particular experience or grief event. These make for good news reporting and the plethora of self-help books available today. Grief recovery resources and counseling focus on Internals such as emotions, feelings and associated physical reactions. They focus on our Heart and Feeling center because that is where we experience the quality of our life and the pain of a major loss. Once an individual becomes engaged in the process of “looking in” they have a new tool with which to manage their life. Journaling, writing letters to the deceased, listening to soothing music and reading grief related poetry will put you in touch with Your Heart, and that’s where healing takes place.

A well crafted grief recovery resource is second only to a good therapist as a guide to our grief recovery. For intense reactions you may need to start with a therapist. That aside, your grief recovery resource can provide all the guidance you need to navigate this experience. When we lose a loved one we experience powerful emotions and feelings that we are usually unaccustomed to. A good grief resource capitalizes on this and takes you further into the experience of loss. Yes it hurts, just like squeezing the poison out of an infected wound. But who would argue the end result. With permission to feel and the guidance of a good grief resource we can make our way through this experience. Our heart and feeling center know what to do once we engage this process.

Applying externals such as charts, graphs and catch phrases like “time heals all” to an internal experience such as bereavement and grief is a waste of time. Being well informed can be useful, but it will not mend your broken heart. Externals can actually act as a distraction to the necessary grief recovery counseling process. A well written grief recovery resource can act as a personal counselor in the case of losing a loved one and help you focus on that all important feeling dimension. Don’t waste your time with externals. Get to the Heart of the matter.

You now have what you need to heal your grief. You will recover from this tragedy and great loss. You will become intimately acquainted with your Heart and Feeling Centre. You will come to a point where you can think about your loved one and smile. Because when the hurt is finally healed, what remains with you is the love you carry in your heart, and that is forever.

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